This time it's going to be a text entry I write. It was never my plan to actually type anything on this blog, but I thought using two separate blogs would be a hassle. I barely keep things up to date anyway so why not make it easier for me.
The entry I am going to write now will be personal and packed with thoughts and other things trapped inside my head. So it might not be that entertaining for some of you. And of course there is nothing wrong with curiosity. Just wanted to be fair and let you know, so that you don't waste time reading this instead of doing more important things.
For the moment I don't have a lot of school work to do really, since my new courses start again in August. So during the day I don't have a lot to do, and I usually just sit around, walk my dog or draw. Sometimes, I find it really difficult to find joy in my everyday activities and I end up just thinking about things. Stuck inside my own head. Trying to figure things out.
There are times when I am so bored out of my mind that I will consider quitting something I really like doing. Just recently I was thinking of quitting art, throwing away all of my artistic possessions and do something meaningful and new. From a realistic point of view I would never be able to quit art. Quitting art would be like killing part of my personality and personal identity, as well as my way of expressing myself. I think I am a zombie now since I walk around and do nothing for the most part. Imagine how much worse it would get if I couldn't draw. Even I don't want to imagine that.
For those of you who don't know I happen to have an unhealthy obsession with books. I love books and I want to read everything. I also want to own them all. One of my dreams is to have a big personal library with 2-3 levels with just books. Books everywhere. I love libraries for that reason. Being surrounded by knowledge. The downside sadly is that I am very impatient, so reading is for me very difficult most of the time. I am super easy to distract and I am a master at distracting myself. And trust me it doesn't matter if the book is so good that I want to read it until I pass out.
I used to be able to sit down and read for quite a few hours when I was younger. But with the years things have gotten so stressful and it feels like there is hardly anytime to sit down and just relax. Enjoy things, and do nothing with a positive feeling. Instead of feeling useless, guilty and boring.
Most of the time I feel like I have to become something tomorrow and that I have to have everything set. That I have to know exactly where my next step will be. This feeling creates such enormous stress and anxiety. It's just a plain mentally exhausting feeling and thought.
Recently I wrote an essay about the romantic era. And I can't help but dream about how it would be. Sadly I would have to dream of myself as a male since women had little rights back then. A handsome academic, wouldn't that be nice. I would totally be one of the pretty boys. Right?(insert very flirty smiley here).
That is all I have to write for now. I could go on for much longer, but I will save that for another post. And save you all the trouble in the process.
Maybe I'll make a video log next time, if I dare.
Thank you for reading, now I am heading to bed.
/Malin Regebro
